that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
