There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize