Duck Duck Cougar?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
