You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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