You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just gargled with NyQuil
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
