She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
