I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
