I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
