I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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