so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
