The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
