so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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