Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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