The maid of honor just puked.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
