I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
