I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
