just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
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