Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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