I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
i think im in europe. pls send help
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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