Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize