ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
