I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
