if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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