shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
