Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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