I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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