So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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