All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
