Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize