i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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