Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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