im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
