my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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