Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I need to align my fucking chakras
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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