Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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