I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
