remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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