So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize