Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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