Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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