Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
