There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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