the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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