Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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