So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
