Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize