i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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