Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
