Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
