I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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