This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
