my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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