I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
