I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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