The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
