Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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