I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
